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Friday, September 30, 2005

Midget Buying a Horse

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher and says he's
sending a friend over to look at a horse. "How will I
recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a midget
with a speech impediment" So, the midget shows up, and
the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female
horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a
prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her
eyeth"? So the guy picks up the midget and he gives
the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I
thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up
again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth,
can I see her mouf"? The rancher is getting pretty
pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again
and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see
her twat"? Totally pissed at this point, the rancher
grabs him under his arm and rams the midget's head as
far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and
slams him on the ground. The midget gets up,
sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe
that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Witness to an Affair

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
taxi at the airport after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the
cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an
affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be
a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
bedroom. The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and
there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted
"Don't do it! This man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the
Corvette I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new
cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues
you believe I budget for? He does!"


The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked "What would you
do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a
cold."

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Blonde Joke

A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here's the deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth forone minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks."The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.Then he says, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."
After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a blonde woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

Monday, September 26, 2005

Why Im Tired

Why I am Tired . . .


For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor
blood, but now I found out the real reason.

We're tired because we're overworked. Here's why:

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

This leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces.

This leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do all the work.

You and me . . .
And you're sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Grandma's Love Letter

~ Grandma's Letter Of Love ~
Dear Friend, The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus"
bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!




While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!


There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!





Love, Grandma

Thursday, September 22, 2005

TEXAS!

From the State where drunk driving is considered a sport,
comes a true story from deep in the heart of Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the
parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the
man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few
minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a
fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and
then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches,
reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some
more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down
the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started
up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to
the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy"

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

A knockout!!

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night.

The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"

The elderly groom replied, "There are two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Martian Sex

Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating enough frequent
flier miles. They met a Martian couple and were talking about all
sorts of things. Mike asked if Mars had a stock market, if they had
laptop computers, and how they made money,

Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys
do it?" asked Maureen.

The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided to swap partners
for the night. Maureen and the male Martian went off to a bedroom
where the Martian stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he
had a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter
inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.

"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"

"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his forehead with his
palm. With each slap, his member grew until it was impressively long.

"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow."

"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grew wider and wider.

"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad, passionate
love.

The next day, the couples joined their normal partners and went their
separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any
good?"

"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How
about you?"

"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a headache. She kept
slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Monday, September 19, 2005

Women Everywhere!!!

TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:
1.) Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
2.) ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color
3.) If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
4.) If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
5.) Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
6.) If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
7.) Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, or the shotgun formation.
8.) Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9.) Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
10.) When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11.) You have enough clothes. You have too many shoes.
12.) Crying is blackmail.
13.) Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
14.) No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark Anniversaries on the calendar.
15.) Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
16.) Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
17.) Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
18.) Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
19.) Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
20.) A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
21.) Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.
22.) Check your oil.
23.) It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
24.) No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
25.) Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
26.) If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
27.) Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
28.) You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but not both.
29.) Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
30.) If it itches, it will be scratched.
31.) Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
32.) If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!

Sex in Florida

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,"
and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

Friday, September 16, 2005

Irish Pub Joke

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness andsits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, 'Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round,the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains.
"It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though!"

THE "E-MAIL FORWARDER'S" 12 STEP PROGRAM

I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing
lists if I DON'T forward an email!

I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an
e-mail.

Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money, Victoria Secret doesn't
know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.

Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail
to more than 50 people!

I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from
Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an
e-mail to 10 people.

I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ...
NEVER --NEVER !!

There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am
not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for
forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!

There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in
England collecting anything! He did when he was 7 years old. He
is now cancer free and 35 years old and DOESN'T WANT ANY
MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS.

The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or
whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable
them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.

There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful
flowers, characters, or program that I will receive
immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!

The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain
individual dying of some never-heard-of disease for every
e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES
donations.

And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things
by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't believe in
Jesus Christ. If God wants to send me a message, I believe the
bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!

Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send
it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon
or you will surely be constipated for the next three months and all
of your hair will fall out!

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Statue

  A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening

thefront door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She
quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and dusted him with talcum powder."Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the
room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly."The Smiths
bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went
to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to
the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the statue. "Eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a
glass of water."

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Italian Joke

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind is shocked when she hears one of the men say, "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"Who wants to hear about your sexual escapades?!?" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Hahaha

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it  knock all my teeth out?"

The Seven Dwarfs

The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are "the seven dwarfs," they get ushered into see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back to face the Pope.

"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."

This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"

The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting:

"Dopey screwed a penguin!"
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"

Monday, September 12, 2005

EARTHQUAKE!!!

EARTHQUAKE IN MEXICO!!!

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Mexico.

Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to
start with providing help to rebuild.

The rest of the world is in shock.

Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.

The European community (except for France) is sending food and money.

The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement
Mexicans.

God Bless America

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Birth Control

Ouch...



After having their 11th  child, an Alabama couple decided  that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't  want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure  called a vasectomy that could  fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are  legal  in Alabama), light it, put  it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to  the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going  to  help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a  cherry bomb and put it in  a beer  can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to  count:
                                     "1"

                                     "2"

                                     "3"

                                     "4"

                                     "5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between  his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in  Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Black and White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Ewwwwwwww!!

An old geezer in the old folks home took a fancy to an old lady who is also staying at the home. One day he gets enough courage to tell her he wants to make love to her. She agrees that when everyone else is gone on a day trip, they will stay behind and get to it. He goes to her room on the day and asks her how she likes it. She says "I used to like it when a man went down on me". He says he would love to and goes for it. After about 30 seconds he comes back up and says , I'm sorry. I can't go on. It just smells rotten down there". She says "It must be my arthritis". He looks at her and says "
Surely you can't get arthritis down there. And even if you could it wouldn't cause that horrible smell". She says " No, my arthritis is in my shoulder.
I can't wipe my ass".

If Men Truly Ran the World

If Men Truly Ran The World...


Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a "Nice hustle,
you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in
leap years.

St. Patrick's Day would be celebrated every month.

Garbage would take itself out.

The only show opposite "Monday Night Football" would be "Monday Night
Football from a Different Camera Angle."

Instead of "beer-belly," you'd get "beer-biceps."

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words... "Ally McNaked."

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with
would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were
going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop
:"Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the
losers.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned
it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your
wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!"

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd
appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response
to "I love you."

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night," would be an acceptable excuse
for tardiness.

At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of
your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your
car like Fred Flintstone.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Friday, September 02, 2005

Leaving Early

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know?
The next day, all three left the office right after the boss left.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her dinner date.
The blonde was happy to be home, but when she got to her bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day at coffee break, the brunette and the redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday".

Rules for REAL Men!

Rules for Real Men:


1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is o.k. for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking his boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e. When your Date is using her teeth.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits, forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
8. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional).
10. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
11. While your girlfriend must bond with your buds' girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-head --- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry ladies, it's called a double standard and you drew the short straw on that one).
12. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
13. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
14. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach............and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...........and it's free.
15. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
16. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
17. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
18. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.
19. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
20. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
21. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
22. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
23. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response...
24. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
25. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. for all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
26. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.
27. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.....

US Senate

The US SENATE announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.
A condom:
Stands up to inflation
Halts production
Destroys the next generation
Protects a bunch of pricks
and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

N's -racial joke be careful

WHY IS IT ALWAYS BLACK PEOPLE?

There were a total of 15 passengers boarding
a small plane on their way to Florida. One black
mother and her child were on their way to visit
relatives while the other passengers consisted
of the KKK on their way to a convention. The
plane took off and after flying for approximately
12 minutes an announcement came over the
intercom from the pilot saying:

"We have overloaded this flight. We are going to
have to start throwing luggage out the window so
the plane won't go down,"

Two minutes later you could see luggage being
thrown out the window. Five minutes after that,
the pilot made a second announcement.
"We are still experiencing problems. We're sorry,
but the plane is still overloaded and we're going to
have to get rid of some of the weight so the plane
won't go down." "We're going to have to ask some
passengers to jump out of the window when we
call you by your name. To make it fair, we'll go alphabetically.
We'll start with A. Will all the African Americans please jump now?"

The black woman and her child continued to sit.

The pilot came over the intercom system.

"Next is B. Will all the Black people please jump
now"? The Black woman and child continued to sit.
The pilot came over the intercom system again.
"Next is C. Will all the colored people please jump
now? All the KKK was now staring at the mother
and child. The black woman and child continued to
sit. The child then looked up at her mum and said:
"Mum aren't we all of those?" The mother then
replied to her daughter, "Baby, we niggers tonight and
the K's come before the N's."