Gorilla Catcher

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla
Removers." He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll
be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball
bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his
testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough
for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, SHOOT THE FUCKING DOG!!!!"

Louisiana

A Louisiana man was having coffee and croissants with butter and
jam in a diner when a Texas man, chewing gum, sat down next to
him. The Louisiana man politely ignored the Texan, who, nevertheless,
started up a conversation.

The Texan snapped his gum and said, "You Louisiana folk eat the
whole bread?"

The Louisiana man frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his
breakfast, and replied, "Of course."

The Texan blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In Texas we only eat
what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Louisiana." The
Texan had a smirk on his face. The Louisiana man listened in silence.

The Texan persisted. "D'ya eat jelly with the bread?" Sighing, the
Louisiana man replied, "Of course." Cracking his gum between his
teeth, the Texan said, "We don't. In Texas, we eat fresh fruit for
breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in
containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Louisiana."

The Louisiana man then asked, "Do you have sex in Texas?" The
Texan smiled and said, "Why of course we do." The Louisiana man
leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms
once you've used them?"

"We throw them away, of course," said the Texan.

Now it was the Louisiana man's turn to smile. "We don't. In Louisiana,
we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing
gum and sell them to the Texans."

Having a Bad Day!

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.

Your brother, attached at your shoulder, is gay.

You're not.

He has a date coming over today.

But you only have one ass.

Feel better?

Quick Thinking

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told
him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent
that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole
wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way
that you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who
think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but Whores and Hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!"

The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?"

Warning!! Take Heed!!

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, partygoers and unsuspecting
pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when
offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called
"Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost
anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in
large "kegs." Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars
to persuade their male victims to go home and have
sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of
Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings
attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After
several Beers, men will often succumb to desires to
perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never
normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly
what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling
that "something bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been
reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to
entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and
punishment referred to as "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women
administering it, there are male support groups with venues in
every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in
an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For
the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf
Courses" in the yellow pages.

Camel & Elephant

A camel and an elephant meet.

The elephant asked the camel:

"Why do you have your breasts on your back?"

The camel, clearly irritated, replies:

"What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face."

Happy Halloween (sorry its a lil late)

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.
I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive." "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: Firstly, you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

"OK" the nun says "Pull into the next alley" He does and the nun fulfills
his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?" Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."

Condom and S E X jokes

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
> 100 people who don't do dick.

What do a coffin and a condom have in common?
> They're both filled with stiffs, only one's coming and one's going!

How is a woman like a condom?
> Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker.

Why is air a lot like sex?
> Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What does parsley and pubic hair have in common?
> You push it aside and keep on eating!

Did I say that out loud?

This is a great example of "did I say that out loud???" This happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen which gives the sperm all the energy for their journey. A female freshman raised her hand and asked, "If I understand you correctly, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?"

"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, she asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?"

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic.

Totally straight-faced he answered her question. "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day."