Society's Burning Questions

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up
with, "Quit while you're ahead?"
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands
on beer cans.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were
cramming for their finals.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps
toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What
are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen
could look for them while they delivered the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of
portraits by Picasso.
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the OTHERS here for?
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Clones are people two.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women
there, is he still wrong?
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Think "honk" if you're telepathic.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Super Bowl

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he is to the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me,
is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such
a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967.""Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

Little Johnny at it again

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic and a spanking.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'
"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!

Salesman of the Year

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big
department
shopping complex looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says. "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you
did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the
store
was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
Kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? No! No! No! You see here our sales people
average
20 or 30 sales a day". If you want to keep this job, you'd better be
doing
better than just one sale. By the way, how much was the sale for?"
Kid says, "$101,237.64"
Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says:
First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod and some fishing gear.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down on the
coast,
so I told him he'll be needing a boat, so we went down to the
boating department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he
said
he
didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to
our
automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer. I then asked him
where
he'll be staying, and since he had no accommodation, I took him to
the
camping department and sold him one of those new igloo 6 sleeper
camper
tents. Then the guy said, while we're at it, I should throw in about
a
$100
worth of groceries and two cases of beer."
The boss said, "You're not serious? A guy came in here to buy a fish
hook
and you sold him a boat, a truck and a tent?"
Kid said, "No, actually he came in to buy a box of tampons for his
wife,
and I said: Well, your weekend's fucked, you might just as well go
fishing."

Little Leroy

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His Birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his
mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Leroy was a
bit of a troublemaker. He has gotten into trouble at school and at home.
Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian
woman, wanted Leroy to reflect on his behavior over the last year. " Go to
your room, Leroy, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then
write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday."
Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a
letter.

Letter 1:
Dear God:
I have been very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Leroy.

Leroy knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.

Letter 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend, Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year and
I
would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank You. Your friend, Leroy


Leroy knew this wasn't true, either. So, he tore up the later and stated
again.

Letter 3:
Dear God:
I have been an "OK"! boy this year. I still would like a red bike for my
birthday. Leroy. Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either.
So, Leroy wrote another Letter.

Letter 4:
GOD,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a
good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank You, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a
bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his Mom
that he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked as
Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner." Leroy's mother
told him.
Leroy walked down the street to the church on the corner and up to the
altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Leroy bent down and
picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and
ran out of the church, down the street into the house, and up to his room. He
shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5:
God,
I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
SIGNED, YOU KNOW WHO