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Monday, October 31, 2005

Funny

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up
to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed
this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this
was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch
on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed these up,
we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled
over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she
said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the
gardener, the postman, the pool man, and your brother."

Friday, October 28, 2005

Bottle of Wine

An Italian man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant
and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman
sitting at a table nearby....all alone.>>
He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of
Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.
The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl,
saying it is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a
note over to the man.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your
pants."
The man, after reading the note, sends one of his own back to her and
it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL,
and a Mercedes 560SEL in my garage. I have over twenty-million
dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off
three inches. Just send the bottle back...."

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Tickets

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn, my car was parked around the corner...:-)


Have a good day!

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

The Mexican Wife

The Mexican Wife

The viejo Pancho was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to
live when he suddenly smelled tamales. He loved tamales more than anything
else in the world, especially his wife Chepa's tamales which were known through
out the barrio as "Lo mejor de lo mejor." (The best of the best)
With his last bit of energy, Pancho pulled himself out of bed,
across the floor, down the stairs and into the kitchen.
Here, his wife was spreading the masa for a new batch of tamales. As
he reached for one of the freshly steamed tamales, he got SMACKED
across the back of his hand by the wooden spoon his wife was holding.
"Leave them alone, pendejo! she said, "They're for the funeral!".

Monday, October 24, 2005

SVEN

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a
brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.


"Ole, vere did you get dat car?" Sven asked

"Lena gave it to me"

"She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?"

"Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road in
da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got
out of da car, trew off all of her clothes and said "Ole take vatever you
vant."..

.So I took da car"

"Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya."

Friday, October 21, 2005

3 Roses

Virginia goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because
her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the
operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find
out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three
roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the
doctor and says," I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my
operation!"

"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is
from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The
second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the
operation done herself."

Who is the third rose from?" she asked.

"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit.
He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Bar Joke

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the
bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls
absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things ..... 1 - The
bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde gal. 3 - I'm a
6 feet tall, 200 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. 4 - The
woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weight-lifter. 5
- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler. Now
think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The
blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah...Not if
I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Thursday, October 13, 2005

The Geography of a Man/Woman

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia.
She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with
bush land around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan.
Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade
especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 -35, she is like India or Spain.
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina.
She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be
a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq.
She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive
reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada.
Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but
the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia.
With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows
where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a
Dick.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Irishman at the BallPark

An Irishman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings, and then hits a double.
Everyone is on his feet screaming, "Run, Run!"
The next batter hits a single, and the Irishman listens as the crowd again cheers, "RUN, RUN!"
The Irishman enjoys the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The umpire calls, "Walk"and the batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Irishman stands up and screams, "R-R-Run ye bastard, run!"
The people around him begin laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over, and explains, "He can't run -- he's got four balls."
The Irishman stands up and screams, "Walk with pride, lad,........walk with pride!"

Friday, October 07, 2005

Tell me why???

Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the
core of the earth?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'Hi, my name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic?'

If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

How come you can see the stars from the Earth, but you can't
see them when you're in space?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for
centuries have a use by date?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
horrible crisp no-one would eat?

Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out"?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a
coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to
their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?

Thursday, October 06, 2005

You think you had software problems!

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
slow down in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications
that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs,
such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL
7.4, NBA 3.2 and NHL 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply
crashes the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,

Desperate


***************************

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package,
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears
6.2.

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
applications: Guilt 3.3 and
Flowers 7.5.

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such
background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or
Beer 6.1.

Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create
SnoringLoudly.WAV files.

DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend
program.
These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It
could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the
program: Girlfriend
9.2, which runs in the background and
has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the
Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and can't learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt
Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 3.6D and that
old stand-by...Lingerie 6.9 (which have both been credited with
improved performance of this hardware).
Good Luck,
Tech Support
>

Juggler

An Alexander County Deputy pulled a car over on I-57 about 2 miles
north of the Missouri state line. When the Deputy asked the driver
why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a
juggler and he was on his way to Branson to do a show that night and
didn't want to be late.

The deputy told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if
the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give
him a ticket.

The driver told the deputy that he had sent all of his equipment
on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The deputy told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his squad
car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could,
so the deputy got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the
squad car, a drunk got out and watched the performance briefly, he
then went over to the squad car, opened the rear door and got in.
The deputy observed him doing this and went over to his squad car,
opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "Might as well take my butt on to jail,
theres no way in hell I can pass that test."

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Bad Boys

Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and
appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like
nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than
jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see
you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first
one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles, one big and one
small, and told them the big circle is your brain before drugs and
the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and
told them, "this is your asshole before prison......"

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

New Work Policy!!

Dear Employee Please read the new policy for work. All employees must abide by these or suffer dire consequences.

SICK DAYS: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LEAVE DAYS: All employees will take their leave at the same time every year. The Leave days are as follows: Jan. 1, Jan 26, April 25 & December 25-26.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

TOILET USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.For instance: All employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK: Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary, if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers & carrying a $600 Gucci bag we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a pay increase.