The Three Inch Man...

A man walks into a bar and asks for 2 shots for him and his buddy.

The bartender says, "Do you want them both now, or do you want me to wait til your buddy gets here first?"

The guy says, "Oh I want them both now, I've got my best buddy in my pocket right here."

He then pulls out a three inch man and puts him on the table.

The bartender was astonished. "Do you mean to say he can drink a whole drink?"

"Sure, he can drink it all. Pour it on."

Sure enough, the bartender watches in amazement as the little guy drinks down two full shots.

"That's amazing. Can he walk?"

The guy flicks a coin and says, "Hey, Trevor, go get the coin, ok?" The three inch man runs off after it.

"Unreal. Can he do anything else? Can he talk?"

"Of course, he can," the man replied turning to his three inch friend:

"Hey Trevor! tell The bartender about the time you called that witch doctor a good-for-nothing-scam-artist-idiot!"

You Know You're a Mom When...

1) Your feet stick to the kitchen floor...and you don't care.

2) When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

3) You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

4) You spend an entire week wearing sweats.

5) Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

6) Popsicles become a food staple.

7) Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

8) Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

9) You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of where it is.

10) You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

11) You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

12)The closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice crispy bars.

Genie in a bottle

Best Genie Story Ever

A husband took his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:

Glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh ... yes sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And, I'll guarantee you a long & healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old.....and both of you still believe in genies?!"

Good News and Bad News!

A man is taken into hospital and has some tests taken and is awaiting the doctor with the results. The doctor duly arrives and says to the man:

"I have some good news and some bad news..."

"I can take it Doc give me the bad news!" the man replies.

"I'm terribly sorry but we have to amputate both your legs," says the Doc as professionally as possible.

The man responds, "Well, Doc, this is terrible. At least I have the good news to come, go on Doc give it to me."

Doc replies, "Do you see the man in the opposite bed?"

"Yes, what about him?"

"He said he would buy your slippers."

Lawyers and farmers

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Preachers Vs. Taxicab Drivers

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom." The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next it's the minister's turn.

He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.

"While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Just one wish

A guy is walking along the beach in Malibu, finds a bottle, and picks it up.

Immediately, a genie pops out and replies, "Thanks for letting me out! For your kindness, I will grant you one wish."

The guy says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm too afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick from claustrophobia. So...I guess my wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

"I'm sorry," the genie says, "But I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved...think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up the highway, and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that is just too much to ask."

"Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted," the guy replies. "I'd like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why they're so temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with them...you know, what makes them tick?"

The genie thinks a second, and then answers, "Would that road be two lanes or four?"

The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE ! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch .. you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.


The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.


The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!


Please send this to all men for a good laugh and to all the women who
can handle the truth

Kin

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?" The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.

Dead Wife

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Dumbest Kid In The World

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his
customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it
to you." The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in
the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the
barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out
of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you
take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar,
the game's over.”

Man with Shingles

A fellow walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

A few minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examining room.

Ten minutes later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

Fifteen minutes later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."

The doctor said, "Where?"

He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

The Raffle

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Kenny said, "OK then, just unload the donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off."
Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898.00."
Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?"
Kenny, " Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny grew up and eventually became the chairman of Enron...