Lawyer vs. Hooker

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?

A: A hooker will stop trying to screw you once you''re dead.

Daughters Prayer

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the hell did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

Death Row in Women's Prison

Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"

Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.

The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"

Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.

By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"

And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

What do you do?

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a steep drop-off and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig, which is the same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this situation?


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Answer:

Get your dumb ass off the children's Carousel, you're drunk again .....

Two Blonde Friends

Two blonde friends were going on a trip to Florida. A neighbor told them
that they'd be fine as long as they paid attention to the road signs along
the way. But they'd driven just 30 miles when they saw one that read
"Clean Restrooms Ahead."

Two months later they arrived in Florida exhausted, having used up 86
bottles of Windex, 267 rolls of paper towels, and three cases of
toilet-bowl cleaner.

Total restrooms cleaned: 450.

Im going on vacation

Well Im getting
married on the 19th and heading on our honeymoon. So today I figured I would
just add a bunch of jokes to keep you occupied while I am away in Hawaii and
Vegas. Hope you all enjoy these.

Thanks and have fun.

Sheriff's Office

Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his firewood and hiding marijuana inside!

Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they split yer farwood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"


(Who says rednecks aren't real bright?!)

100%

viewpoint it goes like this:


What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Black and White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Almost Perfect Life

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger comes by and asks him what is the matter.

The old man says, "I'm a multimillionare, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world and I just married a beautiful blonde who satisfies my every need from sunrise till sunset! (sob)."

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for in my life. What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live."

Will be updated Daily again

Sorry for not posting in a while, just been very busy. But I am back and will post a couple jokes a day so check back often. Put it in your favorites.

The Avid Golfer

Bill, the avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven.

The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did you find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.

"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium!!

"And the bad news?" asked Bill. "You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning," the Medium said.